sutton016

May 27th, 2010 To Whoever Runs the Universe: I certainly don’t have all the answers. I suck at Jeopardy, I have a B.A. in Theatre and I’ve never solved any of life’s great mysteries beyond how to stop a run in your pantyhose with clear nail polish (which only works half the time). Perhaps there are reasons why the universe works the way it does, but in my opinion, there is room for improvement. I am currently disappointed with your service and there appears to be no customer help line, nor can I locate a complaint desk. I would imagine that if you did have either of these things, there would be an unbelievably long line of pissed off infertile women waiting to have serious words with one of your representatives. Since I’ve begun my “Trying and/or Working towards Conceiving Journey”, I’ve connected with a lot of women, such as myself, who want nothing more than to have children. These women are amazingly strong, funny and brave. They’ve saved up their money, made long term plans, and ar...

In keeping with the universe’s infinite wisdom to crap all over me, I’ve been put in charge of planning not one, but TWO baby showers. Yup, you read that right; The Baby-less Babe is planning a Baby Shower. Boo! Shall we all start drinking tequila shots now or wait till the party happens???? Two women at my day job are due this summer. They are expecting presents, worship and a cake in conference room 2B and my boss has put me in charge of it all. So here are some questions: How do I, a woman who can’t seem to get pregnant, plan a baby shower and not let my bitterness show? How do I order a cake and not inscribe it with, “ Good for f-cking you! ” How do I write an email invitation to my co-workers that does not contain, “ You’re invited to a baby shower! And if any of you sons-of-bitches ask me when I’M having kids, I’ll tap dance on your windpipe. Cheers! ” How can I possibly fake a smile for a full hour without simultaneously taking a hallucinogen and imagining Robert Pattinson naked...

In the movie STAR WARS, Yoda says, “ Do or do not... there is no try .” In sessions with my therapist, when we’re talking about one thing or another and I use the phrase “ I’ll try ”, she always responds with, “ Try and touch your nose.” Obviously, touching ones nose tends to be easy, so when I do this, she typically says, “ See how easy that was? You’re either going to do something or not.” Who knew Yoda and my analyst had so much in common… other than both being of short stature. So, when I say I'm “Trying to Conceive”, is it a cop out? Am I sending a subliminal message to my uterus that says I’m not committed to getting pregnant? It’s like when a friend invites you to a party that you have no intention of going to. You say, “ I’ll try to make it ” but what you really you mean is “ There’s no way in hell I’m attending. I’d much rather sit at home and watch PRETTY WOMAN on TBS for the twentieth time. ” Hey, don’t judge me. It's a modern day Cinderella story... if Cinderella ...

One thing I’ve always had is a sense of humor. My mom told me that even when I was a baby, she would hear me lying in my crib telling myself jokes and then hysterically laughing. What can I say? I was always my best audience. Throughout the whole trying to conceive debacle (or T.T.C.D. for fans of acronyms), I’ve maintained my sarcasm, wit and sense of irony. When I realized that IVF didn’t stand for “I’m Very Fertile”, I went with the flow and changed it to “I’m Very Funny”. However, this past Saturday night, I apparently misplaced my flair for the funny. My husband was on the road this weekend so I was on my own. Although I missed him, I always find a way to enjoy “alone time” in the apartment. I lived on my own for almost ten years so when Sam’s gone, it’s like I’m revisiting my old self. The old self that would eat cereal for dinner, Nair her mustache and then give herself a pedicure while watching a bad Lifetime movie. C’mon ladies… we’ve all been there. Friday night, I went out w...

I've always been a big fan of classic television. One of my favorites growing up was The Mary Tyler Moore show. If you remember, the theme song, "Love is All Around" talked about how love was all around the show's heroine, Mary Richards. How nice for Mary. However, if I had a show with a theme song right now, it would melodically inform you that pregnancy is all around me. How annoying for me. We used to see Mary Tyler Moore enthusiastically take off her beret and throw it up in the air. During my opening credits, you would see me throw up my hands in frustration and promptly storm off to the local grocery store to buy several gallons of ice cream. I just want one or two days where I don’t hear the word “pregnancy”, “pregnant” or any annoying variation on the word (i.e. preggers, preggo, PG, etc.) Some may say that I’m simply more sensitive to the word because of my current struggle to conceive. Although there’s truth to that, I still cont...

It would be nice to have a decent amount of time where I’m not worrying about my cervical mucus. I'm just sayin'. I’m currently sitting at my desk looking at bottles of Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil and Grapeseed extract and wondering, does any of it really help? Should I eat pineapple? Should I down cough syrup every hour on the hour? How about Raspberry leaves? Baby aspirin? Headstands? Sex with his socks on? Honestly, how many anecdotal cures and old wives tales can one person try without eventually buying some magic beans and having a nervous breakdown? In the time we’ve been working towards getting pregnant, we’ve tried the old fashioned way, ovulation predication kits, sperm-friendly lubricants, three inseminations (IUI’s) and one long and arduous IVF. At present, we’re taking a break from everything but unprotected sex. Ahhh sex… I must say that it’s nice to be spontaneous and fun again. It’s also nice to be literally back on top without fear of how the gravitational p...

I’ve given today’s blog entry a lot of thought. As someone who has been trying to conceive for over a year, Mother’s Day is an unintentionally crappy day. It’s the equivalent of using birth control when you’re single. Every time you take that birth control pill or insert that NuvaRing, it’s a reminder of how you have little to no chance of getting laid anytime soon. At first, for today’s blog entry, I was going to collect funny quotes of advice our mothers and/or our mothers-in-laws have given us about trying to conceive. People have either posted or emailed me so many funny stories about things their moms or mother-in-laws have said that you simply can’t make up. Some of my favorites were Sienna (her blog is: http://timetomakeababy888.blogspot.com/) whose mom told her she wasn’t getting pregnant because she had long hair and it was taking up all the nutrients from her body thereby leaving her infertile. Incidentally, Country singer Crystal Gayle, who has floor length hair, also has tw...

I realized something important today: There are “Smoking Areas” and “Smoke Free Zones” but there aren’t any “Designated Crying Sections”. We should really look into that. This morning, I had an incident that I haven’t had since the fifth grade. I was at my day job sitting at my desk when suddenly, I felt like I had “leakage”. My period has been heavier than usual this month (not sure if the recent failed IVF has anything to do with this) and despite wearing a maxi pad as big as my Brooklyn apartment, I couldn’t help but fear that an accident had occurred. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. Well, everywhere but the damn maxi pad. It was like Aunt Flo decided she’d have enough of 'Always with Wings' and she wanted to travel. So she bled all over my new adorable pink cotton underwear and down my thighs. Oh that Aunt Flo... what a bitch. I sat there for a second trying to figure out my options. “ Let’s see, I have soaked underwear, a maxi pad, toilet paper, bobb...

This morning, I got my period. Actually, it’s so heavy that it’s more like an entire sentence than a period. I find it interesting that both “Aunt Flo” and my mother-in-law arrived on the same day and are staying for approximately the same amount of time. And notice you never see Aunt Flo and my mother-in-law in the same room at the same time. Hmmm, I wonder if they are the same person… By day, I work in an office and in the last few months, three women who sit near me have announced their pregnancies. Then yesterday, on my first day back to work after my two week purgatory, I found out two more women are pregnant. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, today, another woman told me she was pregnant. It’s like that scene in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video when the female lead looks around and realizes everyone, including Mr. Jackson, is a zombie. That’s exactly how I feel. The pregnant women are closing in and I’m surrounded. Cue the scary music! A colleague of mine couldn’t help but re...

The mouse is dead. Repeat: The mouse is dead. Upon arriving home from our weekend stay on Long Island, I discovered the mouse that has been plaguing our apartment throughout my two-week wait was in fact dead. I don’t usually make it the habit to enjoy the demise of a living being. However, I couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of accomplishment to at least achieve one of the goals I set for myself in the recent week. Kill the mouse. Check. Listen, I’ll take any victory I can get right now people. Also, today, I managed to actually get some money back from my prescription plan. Initially, my doctor had me taking progesterone three times a day. When I told him that I was still experiencing cramping, he told me to start taking it four times a day. The trouble is my prescription plan was never notified of the change, so when I ran out of pills and needed a refill, my pharmacy said, “ But you should have pills left.” I explained the change in the dosage and the reasoning but they, the co...

As a writer, I’ve always been a lover of words. Some of my favorites are superfluous , behoove , persistent , sardonic , milieu and for whatever reason, pajamas . Growing up, I would often look through the dictionary just to look at all the different words available to me and I remember particularly appreciating that my parents spoke to my sister and I as grown-ups. I don’t mean that they confided in us about their sex life or anything. It was more that they used words that adults would use in their sentences such as “That was a rhetorical question.” or “You’re exhausting my patience.” or “Please don’t annihilate each other in the kitchen.” or “Go to sleep or someone may have to be euthanized .” Ah, childhood… So it’s sort of shocking to me that for someone who has an interest in expressing myself to the fullest and a passion for vocabulary that the only phrase I can use to express myself today is, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… shut the hell up.” People magazine says Jodie Sweeten is pregnant...